H2O…. you know… water. It’s pretty much the lifeforce of our existence. Remove the O (oxygen) from it and you simply don’t have water. Clearly, it’s the sum of its parts that makes it so. Similarly, an apology requires four equally important components to be complete and effective. If it’s missing even a single part, it isn’t really an apology.
Let’s swiftly breakdown what an apology is and its purpose. When there is a perceived breach of trust of any kind, the objective of the apology is a process for repair and reestablishing trust. I use the word “perceived” because this is the first pitfall where things go awry; debating whether the issue is correct or not. Who cares?
I suggest placing your need to stand on principle or be correct aside. Buy it a cup of tea or coffee and ask it to sip slowly, we’ll come back to that (pride) in a forthcoming article. For now, what’s important is somebody you likely love or value in some way is hurt.
This is a moment to choose love over the need to be correct. The benefit of love is emotional closeness, the byproduct of needing to be correct is emotional distance. Which do you prefer?
I imagine a thought floating through as you read is something like “why should I apologize if I didn’t do anything?” Other common concerns are wanting to avoid conflict or not wanting to appear weak.
Please allow me to shelve these two concerns: the willingness to have conflict is healthy, seeking it out is not. In other words, conflict is a natural way in which we attempt to understand someone else’s beliefs or experience. Essentially, it is foreign to us, so we’re defending against it. There’s also the aforementioned pride being encouraged by that clever ego of ours.
Whether small or large, both of these are very human, and will subside with consistent effort towards focusing on these four steps.
If you want to learn how to effectively apologize, you’ll want to be adept and sincere at each of the following stages.
1. AWARENESS – Before any misconduct can be repaired and trust restored, you’ll have to understand it. This first step requires a commitment towards caring and empathy. You’ll need to be willing to step outside your own experience – even if just for a glance – and attempt to see from the perspective of the other. If you don’t see it immediately, stay with it. I have found the less need you have to be correct, the quicker this occurs.
2. ACCEPTANCE – Building on your increased awareness, this is the step where you accept responsibility for your contribution in the matter. Embrace and connect with it. This is vital to it not recurring.
Tip: Need some guidance with learning how to increase your awareness or understanding how to properly accept your portion of responsibility?
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3. ACKNOWLEDGEMENT – This is the point to voice your apology. When you speak the words “I am sorry” they will be underwritten with a sincerity that is often missing. I invite you to go deeper and extend the declaration by recognizing how you hurt the other and immediately proceed to the next action.
4. AMENDS – A critical and often overlooked aspect of an apology. At this stage, the person that seemingly created the offense inquires with the offended to seek what would be required to rebuild trust. The request and resolution should be directly related to the infraction.
Tip: Need some guidance with learning how to express an affirming apology and create amends that invigorates and increases trust relationship?
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Each step is successive and requires the preceding one be completed to move forward. You cannot offer and complete a honest amends without genuine acknowledgement of the matter; you cannot have a true acknowledgement of the matter without sincere acceptance of your responsibility (for your portion); and you cannot have a sincere acceptance of your responsibility without having real awareness to see what has occurred.
Done earnestly, this process will allow offer opportunities for increased trust, respect and closeness.
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