See if this sounds familiar: After longing for a profound intimate partner and relationship, you finally meet someone that seems like a great fit.
You’re elated and hopeful... until you’re not. Sooner or later, you start worrying that this new person in your life isn't going to stick around. You may feel fearful about what you do or say - scared that one false move on your part will send them running.
Perhaps it's the opposite - you start analyzing your new love interest and discover all these little things that are rubbing you the wrong way.
Where before you wanted to talk every day or be together all the time, you start to experience being suffocated. You may start thinking "Maybe this one's not right for me either.”
Both of these scenarios indicate the same thing: you have certain underlying fears that show up when you get close to someone. That's right: the experience of falling in love is actually a substantial trigger for your deepest fears - and it can sabotage your best efforts at sustaining love.
If you've been searching for your life partner for a long while, it can be downright scary and nerve wracking.
You'd think that the longer you've been at it, and the more experience you've built up, the more confident you'd have about the choices you make.
Unfortunately, it's commonly the opposite: As you get older and you've "been around the block a few times," the stakes get higher. There's more to lose. You've likely been hurt before, and you don't want to go through that again. You want to make sure you get it correct.
So you go out on a date, and self-doubt sets in…. especially when you are attracted.
Did you say the right things? Should you have let your date pick the location rather than come right out with a suggestion? Isn't that making you look pushy? But wait, don't people like it when you know what you want?
And what about setting up the next date? If you're a woman, often you may wonder did you give him enough indication that you had a great time? What if you weren't appreciative enough? What if he thinks you're not into him? Should you send a reassuring text?
If you're a man, do you think you showed her you could take care of her? What if you did too much of that, and now she thinks you're a control freak? Should you have played it more cool?
News Flash: None of These Things Matter
What?
That's right - none of these typical dating woes you worry about will make a shred of difference when you've met the right person.
You can say the "wrong" thing - or neglect to say something you think you should have. It doesn't matter if you sleep together after 3 dates or 3 months. You can talk about your past relationships. You can talk about your kids. You can admit you still haven't really figured out what you want to be when you grow up.
If you don't believe it, talk with a few couples who enjoy a genuine, lasting relationship. Ask them what their early days were like. Chances are that their stories are full of interesting subtle details that could have spelled the end. These things could have put the brakes on a budding relationship between two other people, but when you've found your life mate, these details really don't matter.
Except for one thing: whether or not you love yourself.
The Inevitable Dealbreaker
The only detail that can derail a relationship with the right person is how much you believe you are worthy of love, and how much love you give yourself.
Lack of self-love will prevent you from truly connecting with another person, because you are fundamentally disconnected from yourself. You are rejecting parts of yourself, making it impossible to freely give and receive love with another.
Your unresolved self-criticism and judgment will create all sorts of traps that will keep you from fully engaging in a new relationship - and establishing the necessary intimacy. Your feelings of unworthiness will create "triggers" for you - and the developing closeness will shore up your underlying fears of not deserving this love.
If you lack self-love, you’ll seek this fulfillment from another. It may be through subtle statements and actions, but they will assuredly strain the relationship. Either your newfound partner will experience being burdened and leave, or even worse, the dance of intimacy between both of you will likely become toxic and breed contempt, sarcasm or other unhealthy dynamics.
No other person but you can make you experience being lovable - not even the right person. It has to come from within you first.
We cannot survive very long relying on another person’s oxygen.
Make Sure You Are The Right Partner
The best way to increase your odds for landing in the best relationship - and getting off the dating treadmill for good - is to be the right partner. The critical ingredient for this is self-love.
If you are plagued by self-doubt and insecurity, if you're highly critical of yourself (often more than you are of others), or if there's any part of you that you wish were different, then you need a primer on self-love.
I know there’s a lot of fluff about self-love these days. It’s one of those cliches that’s now become a tagline or t-shirt. I’m not talking about the pop-culture superficial concept, I’m referring to an elemental understanding of your worth and contribution that is your birthright.
We are usually not as extraordinary as we think, but certainly more extraordinary than we realize. You were born with inherit value and purpose.
Discover exactly what to do to banish that which keeps you from being completely at peace with yourself – and keeps you from forming a lasting relationship with someone who is ready and willing to create a genuine partnership with you.
Once you learn to love yourself, you'll be free from the burdensome self-doubt that you've lived with. You'll finally be able to share your life with that one person who truly wants to be with you, and only you.
If you're not emotionally ready to create a healthy partnership, the issues you haven't worked through will continuously get in the way of love, causing a breakdown in the way you and your partner relate.
Instead of joy and harmony, there will be struggle and pain.
Many of the topics and tools are available in both our Soul Expansion and Conscious Dating programs.
You are cordially invited to the rest of your life! Take the next step towards Soul Expansion with the gift of a Complimentary Session or call (800) 661-3650.
Learn how this innovative practice bypasses common bottlenecks faster than traditional therapy to celebrate your purpose with clarity, awareness, and personal strength!